I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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