you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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