Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
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