Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
