update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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