Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
