Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
