what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
