i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
