u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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