I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
