this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
