They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
