Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
