Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
