It's Friday. Sex?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
