I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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