Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
