We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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