Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
