I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
