Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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