phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
