You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
