I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
