I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
