my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
