my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
