just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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