I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
