her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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