What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
