Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
just tell him i said nine months
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
