He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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