you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
