Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
