I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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