I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
