Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
