I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
