My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
