The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
