My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I love having hate sex.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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