When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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