Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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