i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
