he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
