i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
