I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
