If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
