i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
