He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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