There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
