They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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