he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
