I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
